Flushed with oxytocin
Its exactly like 20 days since the last post, though i wanted to write before i didnt get time, i was so fucking busy talking and chatting with her all the time. I didnt predict this, nobody did. I didnt knew we would get insanely attached to each other in such a short period. All the fucking phases of love have been experienced already. There is a huge chemical flux happening in my brain all the time, even now and when i write or think about her i feel it becoming much stronger.
This is a first time feeling for me and this has never happened before, this is serious shit. But its still not half as good as having opiods, opiods are much better, they release more endorphines i think. You cant really compare both of them, but still if i had to compare i would rate the latter as better.
Thou i intended take it to a higher degree of detail, i dont think it would be possible now. Things have moved so fast that i couldnt take note of all of it. So the goes like this.. So as i said before this girl doesnt have a phone. Soon after their people came here and said they are ready, i think the next day parents called them and she was talking to my mom, suddenly my mother gives the phone to me, so i m all shy and i talk to her, i do some small talk, like if she had tea, how was work, at what time she came and such and she asked similar questions, it lasted 2 or 3 minutes i think. The next day again V called and suddenly gave the phone to me, which was unexpect and so just said hi hello and eneded the call in less than 1 minute.
To be frank i dont remember anything after this, i had to see the last post to calculate how many days have passed. Right now i m regretting why i didnt take an effort to blog all these days, So i will just narrate on approximation. The next time i called i dont remember the call but in one of the call i asked her if i should give her a mobile since she doesnt have one and i have a spare one at home, she refused. I remember i was still very nervous talking to her and my voice was breaking when i was asking about the mobile thing. So i think the next few days i talked with her on their home phone. I started getting open bit by bit. I was still shy and nervous but i was enjoying talking with her. I would talk with her in the evening after she came from work, then i think she sent me the first message it said read ‘good morning’ a few messages were exchanged and she abrubly sent bye, i guessed she must have ran out of money. We have got a bit comfortable, so that evening i asked if she had ran out of balance in the morning and if i should recharge, she was hesitant but agreed. I refilled her phone and activated an sms pack in both of our phone. I knew text is better, our inhibitions reduce considerably while texting. So we start texting and all, also made calls once a day. Next my parents, my mama and cousin’s mother were supposed to visit them for final confirmation, she was worried about them visiting. So we talked about it and in the process got closer, we had reached a level of comfortableness now, became almost friends. Also i asked my mother to give a phone to her while they visited, she said she couldnt take the phone her mother would refuse, i insisted to take and when my mother gave she took. She was apparently using smart phone for the first time, i had installed whatsapp and activated a gprs plan so that it would be more comfortable. Initially she had problem, i made fun of her, but by evening she was typing faster than me and was sending pics. When parents came back they brought her pic, i found the photo which was taken in a studio to be utterly unaesthetic, i was like shocked was this the girl i saw and agreed to marry. I said to myself may be the picture is not proper because i didnt found her this unpleasing in reality. may be she was not photogenic i said to myself, then she sends a few other pics which was in her friends mobile taken on some ocassion in saree, this pic was more disappointing, i didnt find her attractive, but another pic was there was a good, very good actually in that traditional white mallu saree taken on onam or something she was bent sitting down arranging flowers for pookalm.
bloodythefuck i m tired typing. I said to myself i m no hero either, whatever it is its fine. So we continue talking, i started calling baby names, i will liking it and she was liking it. Still we werent talking a lot, the max a call would last was like 20 mins, and half the time we were searching for topics to talk, we wanted to talk but there wasnt anything to talk. We discussed and laughted talking about how other ‘lovers’ talked non stop and wondered what they talked about, it was first experience for both of us. Initially i was a bit apprehensive about her thinking methods. I made a reference about eating beef and she started doing sheee chuee chee, i thought she would be narrow minded. I made my point, she seemed to understand. But she became a bit silent. I changed the topic.
Much before i gave the phone that is like we had just begun to talk nervously and she asks me if i drank, i tried to avoid the question then i said yes, she asked if i smoke i said yes. Actually V had told them that i neither drink nor smoke, and we have been told very specifically about it. Everyone told me not to tell the truth, not untill marriage. Say you dont drink or smoke, after marriage wait for a week then start slowly one day, see her reaction the proceed. Girls are becoming more and more specific about not wanting a drinking man, as alcoholism is epidemic here. So i confess and i m extremely worried, my father aware of my habit of telling the truth had specifically warned against this.
So i tell the truth and wait for the reaction, this was early way too early just 2 days after i started talking with her, i was worried like hell, everyone would blame me for spoiling this. She said its ok, everyone drinks these days, as long as its occasional its fine. i tell her i m not regular and that i m occasional. She said she hates the smell of smoke and that i should stop it as its not good for health, i agreed and told her that i was already trying to quit smoking and i would do so soon. I was like almost pani pani after this, was sweating like hell after this ordeal was over i sighed. Later that evening i tried to message her and i dont get a reply, i try to call and it says switched off, i became worried, i thought she must have told her parents, and its all over. i come home and parents kept asking if i had told her that i drink, they warned me agaisnt doing so, if you have done that then forget this shaadi will happen, that day we had drinking plan and i was drinking while drinking i was fucking worried, i kept on trying but there was no response. It was my last peg and this tension was killing me, friends were talking fun things and i couldnt laugh. Just then i received a message saying that she was working, phone got switchedoff and she didnt notice. It was like a big fucking relief, drowned the last peg, ate food happily came home, texted her for sometime.
So all these days were talking for good amount of time, when we were not talking we were text, it was idhar udharki normal talks, we were becoming frank, then one day she sounded a bit off, i ask for the reason, she tried to avoid, i kept prodding then she tells, about their financial problem and what will people say if their parents were unable to give much jewelerry and stuff, normal tensions. I tell her it doesnt matter and nobody will say anything, and if she is really worried she can get some fake jewellery its not an issue and such.
I think sharing something that was serious took us to a new level, all this while we were on lighter topics, the kind of topics when you are in first phase and you keep laughing all the time you are on phone. After this the topics took a serious tone, it was more about worries and problems, soon the topics stabalised. That day we talked for 3 hours nonstop. It was like almost skipping a barrier, as if you have crossed a country and the whole feeling was different from what it felt all this while. we discussed about this feeling, and we both realized the shift which was just too apparent. I realized she has a scientific temparament just like me, we are doing a lot of observation about what exactly is happening, and how exactly are we feeling about the whole situation. we often wonder if this is love or more is yet to come. It was deeper now too deep. I tell her we might soon have a fight, because thats how it is, the next stage is fighting. And i dont have to tell you it did happen, the very next day.
So the next day we do a non stop 3 or 4 hour call, so our engagement date had got fixed for 20th dec, and we were talking about nervousness and shyness that we will feel, so it was a long talk. So towards the end i tell her that i was going to drink tonight. She fell silent for a while then she asked why and all, and i tell her since our date has been fixed thats y. She didnt sound disappointed or angry, we talked for a few minutes normally and thats it. Normally she would send a message when she reaches home, but that day she didnt i waited for a an hour then i messaged her, she replied. I asked her why she didnt reply and all, she said she was testing if i m sending her message or not, i was angry at her that she didnt do something that she was supposed to, i ask her if there is any problem she didnt said nothing, i was angry but i was not showing it, i didnt wanted it to spiral out of control. So next day again she didnt sent the customary gd morning message, i ignored and didnt send a message either. She would chat while travelling in bus, but that she didnt. I messaged and she said, she didnt get seat so she couldnt chat. I call her and she doesnt pickup the call, then later calls and says she was busy in work. Anger was building inside me, i knew this is the fight that happens between people in love, its that wala fight that i was talking about yesterday, i decided to solve it once and for all. She calls after some time, i actually didnt realize that the problem started when i said i would be drinking, i did drink before and i had told her, and had talked and chatted while drunk, she was fine with it. So naturally i wouldnt have thought that drinking was the root here, then there was nothing else to blame. So i asked her what happened. She avoided the question, after prodding she said she doesnt know why but she was feeling extremely angry at me, she just replied normally because she didnt wanted this thing to go out of control, she said she was so angry at me that she couldnt do anything, and she is still feeling the same way. I said the same thing that i was and am feeling angry at her. After saying this we went into our analytics mode, i told her just as i told you yesterday we will be fighting this is that thing. I told her we are fighting because its just what happens with everyone. I analyzed further and explained to her the start of this problem, i told her it began from the moment i told her about the drinking thing, and this had to do with being possesive, its just that she didnt wanted me to have fun with friends, that she wanted whole of me to herself and this is what the problem is, and i explained her my side of the anger and reason for it. She fell silent, she grasped and she understood.
I did drink the very next day, i told her i will be drinking, she said dont drink too much. i drank, then called her, chatted till late, she was happy, its like the whole fucking disease was solved. After that she never complained of drinking, she actually began to like when i drank, because i would become more romantic after that.
she tells me that she is ziddi, has got anger problems, has headache problems, she is selfish and she doesnt have a good impression of herself. Its fine i say, the things that matter to me is what she has, she has a scientific experimental temperament, she is very understand she actually understands what i m saying, most people dont fucking understand me, they think i m nuts or something. I threw a few theories of mine at her, and she was very receptive, she understood and liked the shit i was saying. we are not fighting anymore and i think we wont ever, i think i can make her understand anything. Feel like i m deeply in love and we are sharing that feeling, i m sharing my stories with her, i m sharing such shit that i even feel ashamed to write here in this blog, that should pretty much sum it up.
in one simple word, if she were a reader of this blog, she would have liked what i m writing.