I have always worried about loosing my mind some day, some times in night i would get this feeling that i m loosing my mind, even before this incident happened.
It happened some 2 to 3 years back, thou by now i have forgot most of the finer details, i m writing this now because i dont want to forget anything more of that incident, a incident that is very dear to me in terms of experience.
It were those days when all our group had left drugs, and one day L came from delhi he bought some coke and asked me if i want to have it, coke is relatively not that addictive so we started doing it, then as the stock got over we turned again to brown. So we did for some weeks, and he left for delhi. I knew i will be having withdrawal symptoms so to keep myself engaged i bought some 10 to 15 dvds. The withdrawal symptoms basically consisted of fever, cold, turkey leg, and sleeplessness. I never took medication, so generally suffered through it, it was going to be easy since it has only been weeks since i have been doing brown.
Now its very complicated and i m not sure how i m going to narrate this incident spread over a 2 weeks time. As these things were happening i was not aware that i had lost my mind, only after i got out of it, i cud recall all these stuffs. The first thing that i cud recall was i was sleeping, it was totally dark, i was calling my friend Y, “where r u” “i cant see you” “what are you doing in this dark place” parents heard me from other room and came and woke me up, they said what r u doing, i said its dark switch on the light, they said the light is on. I said i cant see anything, they said your eyes are closed, i said its open. i dont remember much after this i guess i went into sleep again, and Y was actually in the dream that i was seeing. Now this dream continued and in this dream i was blind and i was a student in a blind school. Now there was this girl who was blind, and i was in love with her. Yes i cud see her in dream, she was in burkha. Now in the night was walking all over the house, since in dream i was blind and i was in my school and lost, i was talking to people in dream and so in real life. The thing that actually was happeing was some kind of synergy between the dream and the real life. The inputs came from real life and they got merged into a dream. Now i stumbled on a book, i said oh its my brailey book i opened the book was trying to run the fingers(in real), i said to myself i cudnt sense anything may be its a normal book, i shud go to library to find the book. I went to my parents room and i was stumbling into things there. They woke up, and put the lights on, this time my eyes were open, and i said oh i cud see. Now my parents were worried. Earlier the day i had seen the movie Black.
The next day i had a boil in the ear, which i normally get often. Now i kept on feeling it. Slowly it were growing in numbers, i felt as if my whole ear has been filled with those small boils, at that time i didnt had net connection, i searched for it in mobile. And what i read shocked me, it said that its a different kind of disease and slowly the boils will spread into the ear and will finally reach the brain making one mad. Now i was totally worried about this. This time my parents slept with me, they were worried now. As i fell asleep the dream started it was of navratri, a lot of dreams were very ajeeb kind, the garba was infront of our house. Now a guy came into our house, he said he wants water, but he is clinging on the ceiling fan, he was bald and had a big head, and he was rubbing his head in the ceiling fan. This time parents kept the lights on. I could see everything, i cud see the fan, i cud see my parents lying by my side. He kept on asking for water, so i took the water bottle from my side, stood up on the bed, and extended my hands towards the fan. Suddenly parents woke up, what are you doing they asked. I said i m giving water, They said to whom? i said to this guy. They said what guy, i said this guy, but as i looked again to the fan, nobody was there.
Now i realised some is wrong with me, i wondered if those ear boils have got into my head. And if i had already gone mad. I put my finger in my ear and i cud feel numerous boils in my ear. I told my parents that this ear boils have gone into my head and i have become mad. They said we are going to doctors tomorrow. I said no, if i go now they will put me in pagal khana, let me see what i can do i will find some way out.. The next day, i started scrathing my inner ear with my nails, trying to break those boils, i scratched all the skin in my ears, blood was coming, my parents tried to stop me but i didnt listen..
Next day i was watching Manorama six feet under in the afternoon, i can recall that i cudnt watch the movie and i was constantly sleeping in between the movie. Other than that i mentioned here, there were numerious other dreams that i saw which i believed were real. One of them was that the world was going to end, i made these boats that cud fly, lacks of boats were made by people who belived me, i was like this prophet, there were people who doubted me and questioned how the boats would fly. But at the right moment they began to fly, and they all flied uncontrolled, into space. My sister was also in one of the boats, one day my sister called and i was talking about these flying boats with her. My sister was shocked, and i was trying to make her believe that it did actually happen, another dream was about how i was a terrorist, and one involving another navratri in college, another where i was a magician, another i was in a game, another i was in iraq. I still remember all these but writing them all will be hard. Also in one i was lord krishna, in another i was sherlock holmes, and all these dreams got interconnected, and i believed them to be true. Every day a new dream comes and when i m awake my mind interconnects them, and believes them to be true. One day because of such a thing, i told my parents i m double role, i can be at 2 places at the same time. And one day i woke up at night and i m trying to concentrate, my parents asked what are you doing. I shouted at my parents to keep quiet, i said i m concentrating, they asked what, i said my other half has met with a plane accident and has got stuck some where in the jungle, i m trying to locate him. I began to do something with my mobile, my parents asked what are u doing with it, i said i have this software that cud locate my other half, but its not working.
I saw dreams when i was awake and asleep both, i could see dreams with open eyes, the real place and dream would get mixed. One day i was sitting, and laughing, mother asked what are you doing, i said reading a book, then my mother said there is no book, i saw there was no book, i said i cud read without a book. Lot many things happened, in one incident, was in the sets of sawariya (tht movie). and the whole set was made of sand, and sand kept going in my eyes, my mother said what happened to your eyes, i said sand went in, she said where is sand, i said all these things are made of sand. Another incident was of me talking of a parrot, and yet another of me talking to ghosts in iraq. We were guest of some ruler of iraq. Also i was an actor in a movie, which also had rajnikant, the director was priyadarshan. Actually that movie was very good, if someone made it it would have worked, it was about a few friends who get together and buy a movie theater.
It was 2 weeks day and night of madness, as i m writing i m recalling new things. One night i was in a dream where i was an actor and a suhag raat scene was being shot. (parents were sleeping with me). It was dark, i only cud see 1 light a red led, i realised it might be the light of camera, the director asked me to kiss the bride, who was on the other side of the bed. I woke up, was feeling uncomfortable doing it and i went and kissed my dad, he woke up startled, what r u doing? i said oh, they were shooting the movie, how did u came here, where is the heroine. That led light was of the mosquito repellent later i realised. So a lot of stuff happened and if i were to write here, not only will i bore you, even i have got bored typing.
So let me tell you how i got out of it, since 2 weeks i was mad, and doing out rageous things, but slowly i had began to realise that, there is something wrong, in some of my dream i had taken videos, but when i checked mobile i cud find none, i remember the one in which i was tantrik, in one dream i had uploaded a video on a wap site, but i cudnt find when i checked, in some dreams i had called friends when i checked the call register i cud find none. So i had began to realised, that i was hallucinating full time. But i cudnt get out of it. The last dream that i had was of me being in pakistan, and i being an ISI agent. I was supposed to melt passports, they were ajeeb kind of passwords which when melted gave out sticky liquid, the whole liquid was every where on my body. Suddenly i woke up. I was feeling all sticky in my pants, my legs were all feeling sticky. I remembered them to be the liquid of the password. I put my hand in my pant, and i felt all sticky. Slowly i stood up, told my mom i need to take bath, but why wud u bath so early, i should i make garam pani she asked, i said no need, i went into bathroom slowly removed my pant, expecting those sticky liquid. There was nothing. I was shocked, its then that i recalled the whole sequence of events, about how mad i was. I still was shocked how the brain could make and feel things that doesnt exist. As you see in dreams you dont ask questions, if in dream if you see yourself having 4 hands you wont ask, why i have 4 hands, the same was happening to me when i was awake, i was constantly dreaming when i was awake. I took a bath, told my mom not to wake me up. I slept for 2 days. Actually the problem was i hardly slept for all these days, during day i wasnt sleeping, at night i thought i was sleeping but actually i was dreaming being awake…Also when i checked later there was nothing about the boils going into head.
These experience thou funny and shameful have helped me understand a lot, it taught me how actually the mad guy feels. How one can see things that doesnt exist. It helped me realise the power of the brain, the thin line that separates reality and illusion, how possible it is for reality to be a illusion and illusion to be a reality. Munna bhai only saw gandhi, i saw a lot more things. I cud relate more to that movie.. because u actually can see things that doesnt exist as real as possible. Sab maya hai.
Thus ended a day, a day in the life of india.
Edited to add: 3:47 pm same day.
Just remembered another incident, i was having this dream, it was a long dream, kind of sci-fi. as it happend i gave birth to fishes and the eggs of these fishes has been stored in some secret layer within the ceiling. Now that ceiling began to leak, i knew this cant be possible, as i cud remember previous incident about giving water to the fan, i began to think this is just some illusion, then shabana azmi came and she began to scold me, she began by saying what kind of man you are, you dont have guts to save your own genes, and many other people including meera nair and others came and told me to take some action to save the last genes of your khandan. Now i was very ashamed by all the scolding and realised what a spineless human i m, parents were sleeping beside me, light was on, and the ceiling began to leak, and small larva of fishes began to fall down, they were sticky. I cud see my parents and the room (reality) but i cud also see the fish larva, they looked like white silkworm larva it was transparent and sticky. I made a roll out of my bed sheet, in form of a nest. So that i could collect the larva in that, and i began to collect this larva and scooped them and was putting in the nest. Then my parents woke up. Obviously shocked, what are you doing? i m collecting the fishes, what fishes? they are my children. as i recall the incident now, i cant help laughing. My mother still wonders about the nest that i created with the bedsheet. She says the nest looked so beautiful, how did to learn to make that.
I was wondering, if i dreamt of a painter, would i have been able to create a painting in such state, beyond my actual talent. I guess i could have, it actually could happen, the brain is such an awesome cheez