Technically we are all time travellers, since we are all travelling in time spending our lives. Time is flying away so fast, and it goes much faster for me, since i dont have a sense of time.. i dont realise when months pass, or weekends arrives.. there are simply no bookmarks in my timebook.. suddenly years change but i dont realize, festivals revolve, new calenders begin hanging on the walls and i fail to realize that.. its october and its my birthday this month, i m going to be thirty.. Thats half of the life spent, and the good part that is spent, the next 30 is just responsibility..The first 30 was partly freedom, and i have been free, much freeer than rest of the humans, i did what i like, i lived and spend the time as per my wish.. but still i aint satisfied.. there are lot of things to do before i begin to take responsibility..
Walking the country without any contact remains to be done, i have to run away from home.. but still i m in no position to do that.. but i have to do it, before i get married, because after marriage dreams will stay dreams, they will never cross the bridge that leads to reality.. Still happy that i didnt spend time in education, i saved a good part of my life by avoiding that, and happy that i did drugs and spent a good part living like zombie,, it was bliss, away from cause and effects, without responsibility..
Why i m writing today, the girl, the girl that i talked about.. that cousin.. she is here now with her parents, she is looking beautiful, and her kid has grown, thou he looks like an alien.. feeling melancholy and nostalgic and lonely.. it happens with people like me too, thou i might sound unimotional but i m not.. i feel a loss, and i feel filmy with this surge of emotions, i hate being filmy..
Anger has been one thing that had no place in my life, i was never angry in real sense, i do get angry when i write, and i still dont know why all my anger surges forth when writing.. i write as an angry man.. but in real life i m cold as ice, always cool, i have never shouted at anybody in my whole life, i simply cant shout or get angry, but these days i m feeling a layer of anger surfacing within, i see my self getting angry within, thou i never bring that anger out, but i do feel angry,, i feel like a loser, and may be the anger is result of that… but then i have always been proud of being a loser, i have thought it to be a good thing.. may be because of age my thoughts are changing.. i dont know..
Tomorrow i have to go ladki dekhing, and that could be the reason of anger,, i so dont like this ladki dekhing shit,, afraid of being rejected.. its the 4th or 5th girl i would be seeing.. all the ads all the movies show the girl being in dilema over the ladki dekhing business but actually the men are at dilemma, the ladki has to just stay at her home, the ladka walas are the ones who have to do all the benchoding bhikari business of going to see a ladki.. there should have been better methods, a better system.. i could have chosen not to go, but i want to feel pathetic doing it, i want to feel my self being ashamed, i want to feel degraded, rejected and unwanted just so that it can feed my anger.. and make it grow into something.. something that just might be different, something that i have not experienced.. a new kind of feeling, a discovery for the soul.. which would push me out out of my comfort zone..
you know i can keep writing, i could be a good writer, i just lack technique nothing else..
Have been thinking of taking big risks with business, thinking of starting a software developing company, may be around jan feb.. with around 10 people zeroing on location right now.. not in a hurry.. but still i m afraid to take this step, not because i m afraid of losses, i know i will have to suffer losses, i almost 100% know its going to be a failure.. i m just afraid of building a system of routine and responsibility.. i will have to go office daily, i will have to take responsibility.. i will have to take the headache.. when i do have an option to do none of that and enjoy my freedom..
I m still double minded on this, but there are things to be proved, i need to enjoy the tension, i need to get to feeling of a person drowned in debt..i want to hide my face from the employees expecting salary, i want to make excuses, i want to make my life as pathetic as it could get… just for the feel of it… i need the sleepless night, i m tired of the comfort.. i want to feel real like all humans, with all their problem.. i might not be able to do it again, this is the time.. i want people knocking at the door asking for their money.. i m going to do all that.. get out there, take loans and run away, thats my dream.. to run away.. to live on the road like a bhikari with an empty stomach..to just roam, so poetic..
I need to experiment. And may steve jobs be always remembered, he is a hero for us drop outs, its another matter that he had been plain lucky, any chodu will tell you that a music player launched for 400$ has no place in the market, but it worked, it was just luck.
Good luck everyone.