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Though i m aware that i m making a mistake by not regularly blogging, i have been unable to find time to write, i always had this theory , you cant blog if your life is interesting enough, since my last blog i haven’t found time to write, i have been busy living life and didn’t have even a few minutes to spare. The title is irrelevant and i didnt win any onam bumper lottery i m just as gareeb as i was, so dont build any expectations on that front.
I will do a recap of what happened all these days some time later, today i will just tell you about onam, making records of festivals is important, plus there is something funny that happened.
This was my first onam after marriage so i was supposed to give compulsory gifts to my inlaws, as it happened i was going through total gareebi, still i managed to order a few stuffs online. I had to sell all the shares i had lying around in my demat account, the account had got blocked due to non usage , got it activated when i and wife had gone to kochi for a brief honeymoon trip, that story later.
The funny thing is that the order that i placed has still not arrived, yeh don’t shop with madarchods at 100bestbuy.com they are no 1 haramis. So my mother lent me some money to buy them gifts, so that problem got solved, but i still send gaali wala mails daily to these people, i tell you it makes no difference to them, still thats my duty.
After a long time there is a power cut here thus some free time to blog, life has been good, have been lucky to have a very understanding and smart wife, then i have been always lucky with people, never found it hard to find the right kind of people.
So the day before onam i and wife went to her house, gave them the gifts, had good food and returned, when i returned got a call from police station, my summons had arrived for the last drinking and driving case, they fined me 2500. Day after tomorrow is the date for paying the fine. Sold my old mobile to arrange funds for this. Cousin K had arrived from Kuwait so had been drinking since a few days. I, my wife, and his wife had gone to Calicut to receive him. After returning from wife’s house we drank, i, uni, D, cousin K, also think B and M were there; see i have already begun to forget. There was program for onam (dancing, songs, skits and stuff by villagers), my family was already there and i was supposed to join them after my drinking gets over, So we finished drinking and went there and we were all standing at the back watching program. Wife was giving glances to check if i was too high, but no i was normal, not stoned enuf, so i and UNI decided we need to get more high and decided to do some weed. Frankly speaking i m a bit afraid to smoke weed over alcohol, it becomes too heavy. But still as we were about to leave, the most fucking embrassing thing happened, i fell from the bike in front of everyone, i just slipped. No sir, i was not drunk enuf to fall i just fell without being drunk, but everyone would assume i fell because i was drunk. My wife had an eye on me so as soon as i fell she ran towards me (which i wasn’t aware of) i pulled the bike and left the scene.
We reached the gully and started making the joint, we were talking about the embrassing situation that just happened, UNI was saying how the fuck did you fall, of all the places we drove in full nasha you have to fall here only. Yes he got a point, i had experience driving even when i could barely stand on my legs, yet have not fallen, but this had to happen. So D calls and gives the phone to my wife, she asks if i was ok, i said i just slipped, and that was not due to drinking, it was just a normal fall. She said ok, i was afraid of my wife, yes yours truely is fucking scared of his wife.
I knew this would become a charcha of choice for villages for the week, and this story would be remembered yearly on every onam, So we smoked the weed and became full rockets, reached back to the venue, i went to my wife and told i was ok. Stayed for a half an hour then my family left, i also left with them. No new story were created by anyone that day, its customary for someone to create story on these days, else the villagers wont have anything to talk about next day, and since mine was the only story it got maximum coverage in the village. And like the game of Chinese whispers it had taken new angle by next day, the next day the story was that, i had fallen then my wife came running and lifted me up, and was petting me. And the day after, the story was that i had fallen then my wife came running, called a rikshaw and took me to hospital. Yeh till next onam they story would be some thing else, like my wife slapped me in front of everyone as i fell after drinking.
As i said my wife is very understanding so she made no issues that day, nor the next, i told her the story has taken new form and we laughed about it. And the next day on onam wife’s father and elder brother arrived, her brother is almost a nut case, he talks stupid and non stop. Her father is a madarchod, i don’t fucking like him, i hardly talk with him. Her father is gandu bhakt, doing puja and shit, roaming from temple to temple, has crazy rules and shit which makes me angry.
I did previously drink with my wife’s brother when i was at their place, inspite of his mother being khatrnak, also my wife is dangerous, she had warned me not to drink with him, but still i drank. Wife’s mother is so dangerous that she still beats this guy if she finds him drunk. I mean he is 26 years, who the fuck beats a 26 year old son. So again inspite of wife’s warning i took him to drink i UNI, B and he sat drinking in near by place, soon it started to rain, we had no fucking place to go so we broke into a near by pump house, broke the lock and sat inside, i said no, still they did it, then i gave up, i have such lunatics as friends. Nothing much happened about it, but the owner of the place was making inquires about who did that the next morning.
Next day there was theyyam at B’s place, so we went there, also took my brother in law along with me, i didn’t drink, he drank, he got drunk. I watched them drinking, so after drinking this guy refuses to come home, he is afraid that his sister will scold him, so i stand with him talking, he was talking annoying shit which made me feel like puking for the whole week, i m still feeling like puking from his talk. They were supposed to go back the next day but there was a harthal imposed by CPM. He again went with cousin K in the evening and drank i stayed at home.
The next day harthal was lifted and they left early in the morning, that day there was function at B’s house, his wife was pregnant and they were taking her to her maika so a function about it, so i went there helped them in serving food and stuff, then drank. It was fun, to drink with people that i have not drunk with for a long time, had chicken liver for touching, it was good.
Wife is going to stitching class these days, so got some gap to blog, i wont like to write if she is in the house, i don’t want her to read my shit, i prefer staying anonymous in my writings, it gives freedom, because writing without freedom is shit.
I will try to fill the gaps in my writing, and write down things that i could manage to remember, i assume the last post was written a long time before my marriage. There is whole lot of story missing there.
electricity has yet not come, i don’t know what to do, anyway i will close it here. And just for records i m still very very gareeb, but very happy at the same time.
Over and out.
Its exactly like 20 days since the last post, though i wanted to write before i didnt get time, i was so fucking busy talking and chatting with her all the time. I didnt predict this, nobody did. I didnt knew we would get insanely attached to each other in such a short period. All the fucking phases of love have been experienced already. There is a huge chemical flux happening in my brain all the time, even now and when i write or think about her i feel it becoming much stronger.
This is a first time feeling for me and this has never happened before, this is serious shit. But its still not half as good as having opiods, opiods are much better, they release more endorphines i think. You cant really compare both of them, but still if i had to compare i would rate the latter as better.
Thou i intended take it to a higher degree of detail, i dont think it would be possible now. Things have moved so fast that i couldnt take note of all of it. So the goes like this.. So as i said before this girl doesnt have a phone. Soon after their people came here and said they are ready, i think the next day parents called them and she was talking to my mom, suddenly my mother gives the phone to me, so i m all shy and i talk to her, i do some small talk, like if she had tea, how was work, at what time she came and such and she asked similar questions, it lasted 2 or 3 minutes i think. The next day again V called and suddenly gave the phone to me, which was unexpect and so just said hi hello and eneded the call in less than 1 minute.
To be frank i dont remember anything after this, i had to see the last post to calculate how many days have passed. Right now i m regretting why i didnt take an effort to blog all these days, So i will just narrate on approximation. The next time i called i dont remember the call but in one of the call i asked her if i should give her a mobile since she doesnt have one and i have a spare one at home, she refused. I remember i was still very nervous talking to her and my voice was breaking when i was asking about the mobile thing. So i think the next few days i talked with her on their home phone. I started getting open bit by bit. I was still shy and nervous but i was enjoying talking with her. I would talk with her in the evening after she came from work, then i think she sent me the first message it said read ‘good morning’ a few messages were exchanged and she abrubly sent bye, i guessed she must have ran out of money. We have got a bit comfortable, so that evening i asked if she had ran out of balance in the morning and if i should recharge, she was hesitant but agreed. I refilled her phone and activated an sms pack in both of our phone. I knew text is better, our inhibitions reduce considerably while texting. So we start texting and all, also made calls once a day. Next my parents, my mama and cousin’s mother were supposed to visit them for final confirmation, she was worried about them visiting. So we talked about it and in the process got closer, we had reached a level of comfortableness now, became almost friends. Also i asked my mother to give a phone to her while they visited, she said she couldnt take the phone her mother would refuse, i insisted to take and when my mother gave she took. She was apparently using smart phone for the first time, i had installed whatsapp and activated a gprs plan so that it would be more comfortable. Initially she had problem, i made fun of her, but by evening she was typing faster than me and was sending pics. When parents came back they brought her pic, i found the photo which was taken in a studio to be utterly unaesthetic, i was like shocked was this the girl i saw and agreed to marry. I said to myself may be the picture is not proper because i didnt found her this unpleasing in reality. may be she was not photogenic i said to myself, then she sends a few other pics which was in her friends mobile taken on some ocassion in saree, this pic was more disappointing, i didnt find her attractive, but another pic was there was a good, very good actually in that traditional white mallu saree taken on onam or something she was bent sitting down arranging flowers for pookalm.
bloodythefuck i m tired typing. I said to myself i m no hero either, whatever it is its fine. So we continue talking, i started calling baby names, i will liking it and she was liking it. Still we werent talking a lot, the max a call would last was like 20 mins, and half the time we were searching for topics to talk, we wanted to talk but there wasnt anything to talk. We discussed and laughted talking about how other ‘lovers’ talked non stop and wondered what they talked about, it was first experience for both of us. Initially i was a bit apprehensive about her thinking methods. I made a reference about eating beef and she started doing sheee chuee chee, i thought she would be narrow minded. I made my point, she seemed to understand. But she became a bit silent. I changed the topic.
Much before i gave the phone that is like we had just begun to talk nervously and she asks me if i drank, i tried to avoid the question then i said yes, she asked if i smoke i said yes. Actually V had told them that i neither drink nor smoke, and we have been told very specifically about it. Everyone told me not to tell the truth, not untill marriage. Say you dont drink or smoke, after marriage wait for a week then start slowly one day, see her reaction the proceed. Girls are becoming more and more specific about not wanting a drinking man, as alcoholism is epidemic here. So i confess and i m extremely worried, my father aware of my habit of telling the truth had specifically warned against this.
So i tell the truth and wait for the reaction, this was early way too early just 2 days after i started talking with her, i was worried like hell, everyone would blame me for spoiling this. She said its ok, everyone drinks these days, as long as its occasional its fine. i tell her i m not regular and that i m occasional. She said she hates the smell of smoke and that i should stop it as its not good for health, i agreed and told her that i was already trying to quit smoking and i would do so soon. I was like almost pani pani after this, was sweating like hell after this ordeal was over i sighed. Later that evening i tried to message her and i dont get a reply, i try to call and it says switched off, i became worried, i thought she must have told her parents, and its all over. i come home and parents kept asking if i had told her that i drink, they warned me agaisnt doing so, if you have done that then forget this shaadi will happen, that day we had drinking plan and i was drinking while drinking i was fucking worried, i kept on trying but there was no response. It was my last peg and this tension was killing me, friends were talking fun things and i couldnt laugh. Just then i received a message saying that she was working, phone got switchedoff and she didnt notice. It was like a big fucking relief, drowned the last peg, ate food happily came home, texted her for sometime.
So all these days were talking for good amount of time, when we were not talking we were text, it was idhar udharki normal talks, we were becoming frank, then one day she sounded a bit off, i ask for the reason, she tried to avoid, i kept prodding then she tells, about their financial problem and what will people say if their parents were unable to give much jewelerry and stuff, normal tensions. I tell her it doesnt matter and nobody will say anything, and if she is really worried she can get some fake jewellery its not an issue and such.
I think sharing something that was serious took us to a new level, all this while we were on lighter topics, the kind of topics when you are in first phase and you keep laughing all the time you are on phone. After this the topics took a serious tone, it was more about worries and problems, soon the topics stabalised. That day we talked for 3 hours nonstop. It was like almost skipping a barrier, as if you have crossed a country and the whole feeling was different from what it felt all this while. we discussed about this feeling, and we both realized the shift which was just too apparent. I realized she has a scientific temparament just like me, we are doing a lot of observation about what exactly is happening, and how exactly are we feeling about the whole situation. we often wonder if this is love or more is yet to come. It was deeper now too deep. I tell her we might soon have a fight, because thats how it is, the next stage is fighting. And i dont have to tell you it did happen, the very next day.
So the next day we do a non stop 3 or 4 hour call, so our engagement date had got fixed for 20th dec, and we were talking about nervousness and shyness that we will feel, so it was a long talk. So towards the end i tell her that i was going to drink tonight. She fell silent for a while then she asked why and all, and i tell her since our date has been fixed thats y. She didnt sound disappointed or angry, we talked for a few minutes normally and thats it. Normally she would send a message when she reaches home, but that day she didnt i waited for a an hour then i messaged her, she replied. I asked her why she didnt reply and all, she said she was testing if i m sending her message or not, i was angry at her that she didnt do something that she was supposed to, i ask her if there is any problem she didnt said nothing, i was angry but i was not showing it, i didnt wanted it to spiral out of control. So next day again she didnt sent the customary gd morning message, i ignored and didnt send a message either. She would chat while travelling in bus, but that she didnt. I messaged and she said, she didnt get seat so she couldnt chat. I call her and she doesnt pickup the call, then later calls and says she was busy in work. Anger was building inside me, i knew this is the fight that happens between people in love, its that wala fight that i was talking about yesterday, i decided to solve it once and for all. She calls after some time, i actually didnt realize that the problem started when i said i would be drinking, i did drink before and i had told her, and had talked and chatted while drunk, she was fine with it. So naturally i wouldnt have thought that drinking was the root here, then there was nothing else to blame. So i asked her what happened. She avoided the question, after prodding she said she doesnt know why but she was feeling extremely angry at me, she just replied normally because she didnt wanted this thing to go out of control, she said she was so angry at me that she couldnt do anything, and she is still feeling the same way. I said the same thing that i was and am feeling angry at her. After saying this we went into our analytics mode, i told her just as i told you yesterday we will be fighting this is that thing. I told her we are fighting because its just what happens with everyone. I analyzed further and explained to her the start of this problem, i told her it began from the moment i told her about the drinking thing, and this had to do with being possesive, its just that she didnt wanted me to have fun with friends, that she wanted whole of me to herself and this is what the problem is, and i explained her my side of the anger and reason for it. She fell silent, she grasped and she understood.
I did drink the very next day, i told her i will be drinking, she said dont drink too much. i drank, then called her, chatted till late, she was happy, its like the whole fucking disease was solved. After that she never complained of drinking, she actually began to like when i drank, because i would become more romantic after that.
she tells me that she is ziddi, has got anger problems, has headache problems, she is selfish and she doesnt have a good impression of herself. Its fine i say, the things that matter to me is what she has, she has a scientific experimental temperament, she is very understand she actually understands what i m saying, most people dont fucking understand me, they think i m nuts or something. I threw a few theories of mine at her, and she was very receptive, she understood and liked the shit i was saying. we are not fighting anymore and i think we wont ever, i think i can make her understand anything. Feel like i m deeply in love and we are sharing that feeling, i m sharing my stories with her, i m sharing such shit that i even feel ashamed to write here in this blog, that should pretty much sum it up.
in one simple word, if she were a reader of this blog, she would have liked what i m writing.
Since its diwali and since it hardly matters in kerala will do a post on festivals, most mallus wont b aware of today being diwali unless they put on tv or read newspaper, anyway thats the beauty of hinduism and i would be much happy as long as their is no uniformity in festivals throughout india, indian local festivals are like regional dishes their is uniqueness in them, nobody would like to see chicken masala in every part of the country, which ofcourse is a sad fact that we have to live with. In earlier times when you did a train jouney from kanyakumari to kashmir the food items that you got from every station was unique and different but the sad fact of today is that its pretty much the same everywhere, and i find it saddening. the cultural unification of india is a huge price to pay.
Anyway coming to the topic, everyone likes the festive feeling, and its pretty sad thing to be alone during festive times, though i have never been alone during festivals but somehow i can assume how exactly does it feel, because living alone is one of the things i hate the most and wouldnt do anything that would lead to it, because happiness is possible only when shared and sharing is not possible when you are alone.
As someone who because an atheist at a very young age unlike the new age atheist who become atheist due to exposure of content on internet, during my time there was no internet, and i didnt even know there were people in world who didnt belive in gods, i used to think i was the only person who didnt believe in god. Its different when you are a self thought atheist without any assistance of an outside content or thought. I became atheist when i was in 5th or 6th standard, the first thing i had begun hate was festivals due to their obvious religious background. While people were in a jovial mood i resigned from them, i stayed indifferent and slowly developed a hatred towards it, ofcourse i didnt enjoy holy and uttrayan but festivals like diwali were a total no. Its only when i grew older and matured in my thoughts that i realized how important its to have and celebrate festivals, it has nothing to do with the reasons behind it, ram cam back from vanvas or not should not be our business, the point is to celebrate irrespective of the reason behind it. To get together have good food, talk and like that, there is irreplicable feeling to it.
And there are some new age psedo environmentalist who say shit like dont burst crackers and do noise pollution and air pollution, let me tell you its all bullshit. As someone who is of hedonist mindset i would say fuck environment. Its for a single day for goodness sake. The same people who talk about noise and air pollution they dont mind doing air travel, or buy gadgets one after another the carbon footprint of which is far higher than bursting a few cracker on diwali, and the most important thing is that people and children who are gareeb they cant afford branded clothes and diamonds that you spend money on. Fucking elitist people dont understand the reflection of crackers in the eyes of a gareeb child. My own bachpana was spent in somewhat gareebi, crackers were like the biggest thing we kids desired for, i understand this shit and when some bhenchod ameers who sit the whole fucking day in AC, bakchoding on twitter and fb about saving the environment and shit while at the same time they are burning precious resources to have a comfortable life, bloody bhenchods if you really care about environmental get out of that ac, that car, stop air travel take a train, but no, we cant do that, but we are always ready to give a few lectures about pollution and shit, bloody elitist gareebs.
I dont know the source of this anger within me, when i write i automatically become angry.
If you ever gambled you will know there is a pattern to luck, scientifically speaking we can say its random but it happens almost all the time so i wont really believe it to be random, i think we call something random just because we are yet to understand them. In game of cards if you start getting good cards then you will get good cards in a series, like for three or four games u will constantly get good cards. In life too such shit happens, events are always in series.
As an observer of life i have noticed these patterns all the time, how does anyone become rich, to be rich you need a series of things to happen, all of them in your favor, back to back one after another, and it happens. Same with bad luck when one thing goes wrong, everything around you goes wrong, things that are not related to each other, and these patterns are not just for major events but for everyday smaller events too.Every one knows there are good times after bad and bad times after good but rarely do ppl notice a pattern to it.
There is no special good news but times are good now, if you see my last post i was at a dead end, but suddenly money started rushing in, and i m good now, some unexpected payments and shit, nothing great but good, good for this month.
And secondly it seems everyone wants to drink with me, and i tell you it has nothing to do with money, its like everyone is offering free daru to me, its like i have become a trend or something. I dont know with whom to drink, too many invites. I have said yes to three people today for evening drinks, not sure how i m gonna manage.
I m a pretty simple guy, i understand just two things money and fun. And i have money for this month, and there are drunkards to have fun with. And these people are real drunkards, people who drink and fight, and do tightgiri’s, i happen to like such people.
So B got married two days back, not really a friend but just a guy i know. Good wife he got. But she has got bigger beard than me, thankfully she shaved for wedding. we played a prank on him by hiding a few alaram clocks here and there in his room. Not much fun but ok. I would have liked if we threw shit in his room at night, but people wont approve, would they.
I m gonna write real shit soon, just keeping a diary isnt gonna cut it anymore. I have things in my mind that needs to be puked here
Yesterday was onam and i generally do a post after a festival, because after festivals i m generally in bad mood. And pretty much thats the best and only time i could write.
So onam was like shit D had said we will drink together, but towards the end of the day though we sat together he refused to drink, he said he didnt feel like drinking, so had to drink alone while he sat giving me company, i dont like this kind of thing, i would have been happy drinking alone.
I like to drink with people who drink a lot, because thats fun. Drink a lot, do some tight giri, may be fight with someone or puke,, there should be something, something to worth remember.
I dranked a lot, last sunday though. There was some theyyam even at B’s house, so we were offered 5 or 6 friends, all drunkards and unreliable people with whom i m comfortable with, we drank a lot and it was fun.
there are some other serious matters which i wouldnt like to mention now, anway things are not going too good, extreme gareebi. This week itself i defaulted on hosting bill, adwords, microsofts ads, ning. credit card balance is in minus 4k and everything has bounced. No idea where i will get money to pay these bills, lets forget advertising atleast i will have to arrange for hosting bills. This time i m almost cornered. Lets see.
over and out
At this moment i am an utterly frustrated person, and if i take out my frustration it will make an awesome post but i have always found that whenever i m frustuated, after writing about it i generally feel good and i dont want that to happen, i just want the frustuation to just go up and up..
So i will just make a few updates about my life in general, i do this so that my biographers can find easy content just in case i become famous some day, well the chances are as slim as asteroid hitting a moving train while you are shitting in the train toilet. Thinking about it, the idea of dying while you are shitting with your pants is a bit scary..
so as i said in the last post we left kochi, then for a day or two we were here in the village then headed to pune with sister, pune was typically boring just sitting at home whole day while sister and her husband and his brother all went to office it was very boring then as we were about to come back 2 days later, sister forced us to stay a few more days, so we stayed for another week as there were no trains.
They shifted the house to near her branch where she had got posting, main city area, so had easy access to bar after that. spent last few days drinking. It was good on sundays when every one was around watched movies and stuff till late on saturdays.
Also today cousin left for kuwait, so i m pretty much alone now, no more fishing and such adventure, the few people i know here are not really into such thing.. so thats it.
Gareebi, dont even talk about it, i m like real real gareeb. Lot of money got spent in travelling, daru and stuff. Since i m back here now i should now concentrate on working and make some money. But i know i wont work, unless there is a real fire under my ass. I m one of those person who wont work unless forced to work, and the sad part is that there is no one to force me.
Just finished watching A clock work orange, nothing great. Started reading Porno by irvine welsh this is the kind of shit i like, its keeping me interested till now.
Just to remind myself again, i m very frustuated, depressed and other similar meaning words. and i want to keep myself grumpy and frustuated for some time, and channel that frustuation to something productive. Sounds nice no? it certainly does but the whole shit is temporary. I have never been serious and i would never be, i know this. But i remember i used to get real serious when i did brown sugar, may b they should allow some pills, or i would just buy some phensedyl it alters mind too to some level, in those days when we were unable to get drugs we used to drink a few bottles of it.
those stories sometime later.
and get over the grammar and typos, you are a bloody human, not some machine requiring specific syntax. Over and out.