Posts Tagged ‘personal diary’
Its exactly like 20 days since the last post, though i wanted to write before i didnt get time, i was so fucking busy talking and chatting with her all the time. I didnt predict this, nobody did. I didnt knew we would get insanely attached to each other in such a short period. All the fucking phases of love have been experienced already. There is a huge chemical flux happening in my brain all the time, even now and when i write or think about her i feel it becoming much stronger.
This is a first time feeling for me and this has never happened before, this is serious shit. But its still not half as good as having opiods, opiods are much better, they release more endorphines i think. You cant really compare both of them, but still if i had to compare i would rate the latter as better.
Thou i intended take it to a higher degree of detail, i dont think it would be possible now. Things have moved so fast that i couldnt take note of all of it. So the goes like this.. So as i said before this girl doesnt have a phone. Soon after their people came here and said they are ready, i think the next day parents called them and she was talking to my mom, suddenly my mother gives the phone to me, so i m all shy and i talk to her, i do some small talk, like if she had tea, how was work, at what time she came and such and she asked similar questions, it lasted 2 or 3 minutes i think. The next day again V called and suddenly gave the phone to me, which was unexpect and so just said hi hello and eneded the call in less than 1 minute.
To be frank i dont remember anything after this, i had to see the last post to calculate how many days have passed. Right now i m regretting why i didnt take an effort to blog all these days, So i will just narrate on approximation. The next time i called i dont remember the call but in one of the call i asked her if i should give her a mobile since she doesnt have one and i have a spare one at home, she refused. I remember i was still very nervous talking to her and my voice was breaking when i was asking about the mobile thing. So i think the next few days i talked with her on their home phone. I started getting open bit by bit. I was still shy and nervous but i was enjoying talking with her. I would talk with her in the evening after she came from work, then i think she sent me the first message it said read ‘good morning’ a few messages were exchanged and she abrubly sent bye, i guessed she must have ran out of money. We have got a bit comfortable, so that evening i asked if she had ran out of balance in the morning and if i should recharge, she was hesitant but agreed. I refilled her phone and activated an sms pack in both of our phone. I knew text is better, our inhibitions reduce considerably while texting. So we start texting and all, also made calls once a day. Next my parents, my mama and cousin’s mother were supposed to visit them for final confirmation, she was worried about them visiting. So we talked about it and in the process got closer, we had reached a level of comfortableness now, became almost friends. Also i asked my mother to give a phone to her while they visited, she said she couldnt take the phone her mother would refuse, i insisted to take and when my mother gave she took. She was apparently using smart phone for the first time, i had installed whatsapp and activated a gprs plan so that it would be more comfortable. Initially she had problem, i made fun of her, but by evening she was typing faster than me and was sending pics. When parents came back they brought her pic, i found the photo which was taken in a studio to be utterly unaesthetic, i was like shocked was this the girl i saw and agreed to marry. I said to myself may be the picture is not proper because i didnt found her this unpleasing in reality. may be she was not photogenic i said to myself, then she sends a few other pics which was in her friends mobile taken on some ocassion in saree, this pic was more disappointing, i didnt find her attractive, but another pic was there was a good, very good actually in that traditional white mallu saree taken on onam or something she was bent sitting down arranging flowers for pookalm.
bloodythefuck i m tired typing. I said to myself i m no hero either, whatever it is its fine. So we continue talking, i started calling baby names, i will liking it and she was liking it. Still we werent talking a lot, the max a call would last was like 20 mins, and half the time we were searching for topics to talk, we wanted to talk but there wasnt anything to talk. We discussed and laughted talking about how other ‘lovers’ talked non stop and wondered what they talked about, it was first experience for both of us. Initially i was a bit apprehensive about her thinking methods. I made a reference about eating beef and she started doing sheee chuee chee, i thought she would be narrow minded. I made my point, she seemed to understand. But she became a bit silent. I changed the topic.
Much before i gave the phone that is like we had just begun to talk nervously and she asks me if i drank, i tried to avoid the question then i said yes, she asked if i smoke i said yes. Actually V had told them that i neither drink nor smoke, and we have been told very specifically about it. Everyone told me not to tell the truth, not untill marriage. Say you dont drink or smoke, after marriage wait for a week then start slowly one day, see her reaction the proceed. Girls are becoming more and more specific about not wanting a drinking man, as alcoholism is epidemic here. So i confess and i m extremely worried, my father aware of my habit of telling the truth had specifically warned against this.
So i tell the truth and wait for the reaction, this was early way too early just 2 days after i started talking with her, i was worried like hell, everyone would blame me for spoiling this. She said its ok, everyone drinks these days, as long as its occasional its fine. i tell her i m not regular and that i m occasional. She said she hates the smell of smoke and that i should stop it as its not good for health, i agreed and told her that i was already trying to quit smoking and i would do so soon. I was like almost pani pani after this, was sweating like hell after this ordeal was over i sighed. Later that evening i tried to message her and i dont get a reply, i try to call and it says switched off, i became worried, i thought she must have told her parents, and its all over. i come home and parents kept asking if i had told her that i drink, they warned me agaisnt doing so, if you have done that then forget this shaadi will happen, that day we had drinking plan and i was drinking while drinking i was fucking worried, i kept on trying but there was no response. It was my last peg and this tension was killing me, friends were talking fun things and i couldnt laugh. Just then i received a message saying that she was working, phone got switchedoff and she didnt notice. It was like a big fucking relief, drowned the last peg, ate food happily came home, texted her for sometime.
So all these days were talking for good amount of time, when we were not talking we were text, it was idhar udharki normal talks, we were becoming frank, then one day she sounded a bit off, i ask for the reason, she tried to avoid, i kept prodding then she tells, about their financial problem and what will people say if their parents were unable to give much jewelerry and stuff, normal tensions. I tell her it doesnt matter and nobody will say anything, and if she is really worried she can get some fake jewellery its not an issue and such.
I think sharing something that was serious took us to a new level, all this while we were on lighter topics, the kind of topics when you are in first phase and you keep laughing all the time you are on phone. After this the topics took a serious tone, it was more about worries and problems, soon the topics stabalised. That day we talked for 3 hours nonstop. It was like almost skipping a barrier, as if you have crossed a country and the whole feeling was different from what it felt all this while. we discussed about this feeling, and we both realized the shift which was just too apparent. I realized she has a scientific temparament just like me, we are doing a lot of observation about what exactly is happening, and how exactly are we feeling about the whole situation. we often wonder if this is love or more is yet to come. It was deeper now too deep. I tell her we might soon have a fight, because thats how it is, the next stage is fighting. And i dont have to tell you it did happen, the very next day.
So the next day we do a non stop 3 or 4 hour call, so our engagement date had got fixed for 20th dec, and we were talking about nervousness and shyness that we will feel, so it was a long talk. So towards the end i tell her that i was going to drink tonight. She fell silent for a while then she asked why and all, and i tell her since our date has been fixed thats y. She didnt sound disappointed or angry, we talked for a few minutes normally and thats it. Normally she would send a message when she reaches home, but that day she didnt i waited for a an hour then i messaged her, she replied. I asked her why she didnt reply and all, she said she was testing if i m sending her message or not, i was angry at her that she didnt do something that she was supposed to, i ask her if there is any problem she didnt said nothing, i was angry but i was not showing it, i didnt wanted it to spiral out of control. So next day again she didnt sent the customary gd morning message, i ignored and didnt send a message either. She would chat while travelling in bus, but that she didnt. I messaged and she said, she didnt get seat so she couldnt chat. I call her and she doesnt pickup the call, then later calls and says she was busy in work. Anger was building inside me, i knew this is the fight that happens between people in love, its that wala fight that i was talking about yesterday, i decided to solve it once and for all. She calls after some time, i actually didnt realize that the problem started when i said i would be drinking, i did drink before and i had told her, and had talked and chatted while drunk, she was fine with it. So naturally i wouldnt have thought that drinking was the root here, then there was nothing else to blame. So i asked her what happened. She avoided the question, after prodding she said she doesnt know why but she was feeling extremely angry at me, she just replied normally because she didnt wanted this thing to go out of control, she said she was so angry at me that she couldnt do anything, and she is still feeling the same way. I said the same thing that i was and am feeling angry at her. After saying this we went into our analytics mode, i told her just as i told you yesterday we will be fighting this is that thing. I told her we are fighting because its just what happens with everyone. I analyzed further and explained to her the start of this problem, i told her it began from the moment i told her about the drinking thing, and this had to do with being possesive, its just that she didnt wanted me to have fun with friends, that she wanted whole of me to herself and this is what the problem is, and i explained her my side of the anger and reason for it. She fell silent, she grasped and she understood.
I did drink the very next day, i told her i will be drinking, she said dont drink too much. i drank, then called her, chatted till late, she was happy, its like the whole fucking disease was solved. After that she never complained of drinking, she actually began to like when i drank, because i would become more romantic after that.
she tells me that she is ziddi, has got anger problems, has headache problems, she is selfish and she doesnt have a good impression of herself. Its fine i say, the things that matter to me is what she has, she has a scientific experimental temperament, she is very understand she actually understands what i m saying, most people dont fucking understand me, they think i m nuts or something. I threw a few theories of mine at her, and she was very receptive, she understood and liked the shit i was saying. we are not fighting anymore and i think we wont ever, i think i can make her understand anything. Feel like i m deeply in love and we are sharing that feeling, i m sharing my stories with her, i m sharing such shit that i even feel ashamed to write here in this blog, that should pretty much sum it up.
in one simple word, if she were a reader of this blog, she would have liked what i m writing.
If you ever gambled you will know there is a pattern to luck, scientifically speaking we can say its random but it happens almost all the time so i wont really believe it to be random, i think we call something random just because we are yet to understand them. In game of cards if you start getting good cards then you will get good cards in a series, like for three or four games u will constantly get good cards. In life too such shit happens, events are always in series.
As an observer of life i have noticed these patterns all the time, how does anyone become rich, to be rich you need a series of things to happen, all of them in your favor, back to back one after another, and it happens. Same with bad luck when one thing goes wrong, everything around you goes wrong, things that are not related to each other, and these patterns are not just for major events but for everyday smaller events too.Every one knows there are good times after bad and bad times after good but rarely do ppl notice a pattern to it.
There is no special good news but times are good now, if you see my last post i was at a dead end, but suddenly money started rushing in, and i m good now, some unexpected payments and shit, nothing great but good, good for this month.
And secondly it seems everyone wants to drink with me, and i tell you it has nothing to do with money, its like everyone is offering free daru to me, its like i have become a trend or something. I dont know with whom to drink, too many invites. I have said yes to three people today for evening drinks, not sure how i m gonna manage.
I m a pretty simple guy, i understand just two things money and fun. And i have money for this month, and there are drunkards to have fun with. And these people are real drunkards, people who drink and fight, and do tightgiri’s, i happen to like such people.
So B got married two days back, not really a friend but just a guy i know. Good wife he got. But she has got bigger beard than me, thankfully she shaved for wedding. we played a prank on him by hiding a few alaram clocks here and there in his room. Not much fun but ok. I would have liked if we threw shit in his room at night, but people wont approve, would they.
I m gonna write real shit soon, just keeping a diary isnt gonna cut it anymore. I have things in my mind that needs to be puked here
Yesterday was onam and i generally do a post after a festival, because after festivals i m generally in bad mood. And pretty much thats the best and only time i could write.
So onam was like shit D had said we will drink together, but towards the end of the day though we sat together he refused to drink, he said he didnt feel like drinking, so had to drink alone while he sat giving me company, i dont like this kind of thing, i would have been happy drinking alone.
I like to drink with people who drink a lot, because thats fun. Drink a lot, do some tight giri, may be fight with someone or puke,, there should be something, something to worth remember.
I dranked a lot, last sunday though. There was some theyyam even at B’s house, so we were offered 5 or 6 friends, all drunkards and unreliable people with whom i m comfortable with, we drank a lot and it was fun.
there are some other serious matters which i wouldnt like to mention now, anway things are not going too good, extreme gareebi. This week itself i defaulted on hosting bill, adwords, microsofts ads, ning. credit card balance is in minus 4k and everything has bounced. No idea where i will get money to pay these bills, lets forget advertising atleast i will have to arrange for hosting bills. This time i m almost cornered. Lets see.
over and out
At this moment i am an utterly frustrated person, and if i take out my frustration it will make an awesome post but i have always found that whenever i m frustuated, after writing about it i generally feel good and i dont want that to happen, i just want the frustuation to just go up and up..
So i will just make a few updates about my life in general, i do this so that my biographers can find easy content just in case i become famous some day, well the chances are as slim as asteroid hitting a moving train while you are shitting in the train toilet. Thinking about it, the idea of dying while you are shitting with your pants is a bit scary..
so as i said in the last post we left kochi, then for a day or two we were here in the village then headed to pune with sister, pune was typically boring just sitting at home whole day while sister and her husband and his brother all went to office it was very boring then as we were about to come back 2 days later, sister forced us to stay a few more days, so we stayed for another week as there were no trains.
They shifted the house to near her branch where she had got posting, main city area, so had easy access to bar after that. spent last few days drinking. It was good on sundays when every one was around watched movies and stuff till late on saturdays.
Also today cousin left for kuwait, so i m pretty much alone now, no more fishing and such adventure, the few people i know here are not really into such thing.. so thats it.
Gareebi, dont even talk about it, i m like real real gareeb. Lot of money got spent in travelling, daru and stuff. Since i m back here now i should now concentrate on working and make some money. But i know i wont work, unless there is a real fire under my ass. I m one of those person who wont work unless forced to work, and the sad part is that there is no one to force me.
Just finished watching A clock work orange, nothing great. Started reading Porno by irvine welsh this is the kind of shit i like, its keeping me interested till now.
Just to remind myself again, i m very frustuated, depressed and other similar meaning words. and i want to keep myself grumpy and frustuated for some time, and channel that frustuation to something productive. Sounds nice no? it certainly does but the whole shit is temporary. I have never been serious and i would never be, i know this. But i remember i used to get real serious when i did brown sugar, may b they should allow some pills, or i would just buy some phensedyl it alters mind too to some level, in those days when we were unable to get drugs we used to drink a few bottles of it.
those stories sometime later.
and get over the grammar and typos, you are a bloody human, not some machine requiring specific syntax. Over and out.
I generally dont like to write about things that have passed sometime back, i like to write when the thoughts and events are ripe. But twitter has kept me off blogging and i was busy and lazy to spend time writing.
When do you write, i think we feel to write when something has just happened and it has left a gap, yeh such thing happened.
We shifted to kochi since a week or two, as sis is working here so we thought we should join her and its enuf of her staying alone, most part of her life she spent staying alone. As always i was excited about this change, i dont really care if a change is good or bad i just need a change, thats it.
From the last post you must know there was a locha in sister’s marriage.. it actually was a big big fucking locha that got solved in time.
As it happens, you are aware of the affair thing of sister’s with a colleague of hers. First she told me and then she started making bahana at home that she doesnt want to marry and all but not disclosing that she is in an affair. The guy she was having an affair with was a typical mallu psycho, he was dominating her big time and was psychologically forcing her. He was giving dhamki of suicide and stuff.. after that she told the guy with whom she was engaged, that she was having an affair and is in love with him and she could not marry him.
This guy takes the next train to kochi, and he tell my parents about this. So we too reach kochi the next day after he reaches there. And this new christian guy has marketed his religion to her, and we came to know that she was doing some christian fast, and would go to church and stuff. She had become almost and psycho.
The engaged guy and i tried to make her understand the stuff but she wouldnt understand, ofcourse my parents acted as if they didnt knew about the affair, as she had categorically told me and him not to tell our parents.
The actual problem was due to the nature of long distance relationship she begin to forget the guy who was engaged with her, then this new guy came and started filling the time gap, because there is no place for vaccum. So she gets invovled with him, and now since she had begun to get invovled she began to feel guilty about cheating the other guy, so her mind in order to justify her action makes her belief that she is in love and everything is fair in love and war (that bullshit that gets repeated and promoted in tv all the time). So she tells her fiance that she could not marry him but at the same time one a comparative basis she still likes her fiance and hates this new guy.
She finally gets out of her guilt by telling the new guy that before her marriage anyday if he calls she would walk away from her marriage with him, knowing perfectly well that he wont dare to do such a thing, as he was too much conscious of his image and shit in the society.
So a few days away from marriage she becomes totally guilt free, as for the guy he is a nice guy, he makes no issue about it. Also sister tell him if you still want to marry me make sure that you never bring this thing ever in life.. and he agrees. This guy is a bit stupid but is a nice one, stupid people generally are nicer.
So marriage was good it happened in kerala, they around 16 people had came, they liked the place and stuff. There were some glitches but overall it was not bad.
Then we went to pune were they were holding a reception, UNI also was going to pune so it was fun in the train, bought daru from madgaon and were drinking in train, also it was fun drinking with the people in pune. overall the trip was good.
After coming back from pune we moved to kochi, found a good place on rent on the edge of a lake. I like it here. Last monday mama’s son SU came, so it was a time he just went now half an hour earlier, and as you know we all feel a bit empty when someone goes back after living a few days, so thats when we feel to write. so this is it.
Talking about future, my business and stuff is almost thap, the last google update killed the ranking of some of my major sites on which i was dependent on survival. So there is a drastic drop in income making it totally unviable.
So i have finally decided something new needs to be done thats why from monday onwards i m joining this training institute to learn php and mysql. I totally doubt the extensiveness of this course and also my ability to learn coding, these kinds of stuffs are not really compatible with my brain.
To be frank i m doing this just for a change, may be meet new people or to make some friends in this new place. Good thing is that there is a bar just under the institute so it will act as an incentive. Also there is a bar nearby, might visit today or may not.
Thats all, i m sure there are lot of typos and grammatical errors, i dont have the energy and inclination to review so dont mind, even if u mind i dont give a shit.
over and out.